Your mouth is God's brothel.
I puked a lego.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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