i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
