Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
