Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
