this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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