I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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