Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
