Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
