You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
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I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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