this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
