I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize