At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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