: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
