Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?