Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
