theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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