Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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