I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
