I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
