why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
