K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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