sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
