I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
