I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How does one acquire holy water?