You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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