how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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