Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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