I will die if light touches me.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
