Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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