I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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