Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
