Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just puked most of my soul out..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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