My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
