can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize