he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
