We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
