Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
