You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
