i think my tv is drunk
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
