: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
