probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
