Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
