you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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