why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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