my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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