he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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