Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
