She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
