Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
