I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Randomize
